We've Got The County Covered
We've Got The County Covered
We’re going to put off the death part yet awhile.
Taxes, not so easy.
The dreaded packet came in the mail yesterday.
They want to throw me off the scent so they try to pretend that there aren’t as many sheets of paper in the packet as I see. Do they think I am blind?
First there are six pages, unnumbered, so they don’t count.
Pages 1 and 2 come next, numbered, with all kinds of information about me that I already know.
Quite a bit of it is wrong, either because it changed since last tax season or because it was already wrong. Who are these people who put down the wrong number for my mobile phone?
Don’t they know I never, ever have my mobile phone on? Sure, I have one, but it’s for me to use, not them.
Then come 21 pages of questions.
“Is your Direct Deposit bank account the same as last year?”
Do I have a Direct Deposit bank account? Did I have one last year? How can I find out?
Did I read somewhere that the Soc Sec admin said we have to have our checks come by e.mail? Or did I make that up?
Beware the NOTE: “Provide your full package of tax information prior to March 15th or you will be extended. See EXTENSION CHECKLIST.”
Is this a threat? Procrustes extended his enemies and it doesn’t sound like fun. I think I will put off checking the extension checklist for a while.
“Could you be claimed as a dependent on another person’s tax return for 2015?”
Now there’s a thought.
My grandmother didn’t believe in teaching the Ten Commandments because “they only put ideas in people’s heads.” So does this questionnaire.
“Were any of your unmarried children who might be claimed as dependents 19 years of age or older at the end of 2015?”
Heavens, no. Even my baby is a grandmother several times over.
Already on page 4 there is a grammatical correction needed.
The question is, “Are any of your dependents required to file a 2015 income tax return? If so, provide a copy of their return(s).”
Any is derived from a Middle English word for one, so the question ought to read, ‘Is any of your dependents,” etc., and it would be nice if the second part of the questions read, “…a copy of his or her return(s).”
But you can’t have everything.
The next block of six questions pertains to income and includes two eye-openers: “Have you ever written a book?” and “Do you play fantasy football or other online gaming?”
What? Have I written a book?
Sometimes people tell me I should, but if nothing is on paper yet, the answer is no, isn’t it?
Next question: What is fantasy football?
Do I look like a person who couldn’t think up my own fantasy if I wanted one?
Are these jokes? Do I look like a person who hangs around fantasy casinos?
The people who think up these questions need to get out more: all these difficult questions and we’re only on page 4.
Next page ventures into Purchases, Sales and Debt. Answers: No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No and No.
But they want to know, “Do you have a written personal budget?”
No, am I supposed to? I’m just careful not to overspend. If I don’t have it, I don’t spend it.
There! That’s written. Tax Person, is that what you mean?
“Did you receive a distribution from a retirement plan (401(k), IRA, SEP, SIMPLE, Qualified Plan, etc.)?”
A companion question asks, “Did you make a contribution to a retirement plan (401(k), IRA, SEP, SIMPLE, Qualified Plan, etc.)?”
No, I don’t even know who those people are, and Strunk & White might have something fairly tart to say about the way they put parentheses within parentheses in that irresponsible jumble.
Really, the next strange question among 24 pages of strange questions is this: “Do you like to sing karaoke?” The heading is Education.
If karaoke is what I think it is, how does it qualify as an educational matter?
Of the three questions in the block of Estimated Taxes questions, this is the third: “If Kermit and Miss Piggy had offspring, would you get a pig that jumps high and eats flies? Or a frog that tastes like bacon?”
I am not making this up, but I am giving up.
